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This past Saturday, I was lucky enough to be at the Alamo Drafthouse’s Summer of ’82 screening of The Dark Crystal.  In our current era of unimaginative film studios,  enjoying a great classic movie can often be marred with negative associations from poorly produced, or just plain unnecessary remakes.  The following list is all based of internet rumors, which sadly often ring true.  Let’s hope that these potential remake films never see the light of day.

The Dark Crystal 2 – “the Power of the Dark Crystal”

A sequel to Jim Henson’s eerie puppet only fairytale has long been rumored.  Considering the quite cult following the original has maintained, and the mixed response to the original release, a sequel would be dangerous at best.  Not saying that it couldn’t be done, but the production rumors had the newest Dark Crystal movie featuring lots of CGI in place of many of the puppetry effects.  Replacing puppets with computer graphics does not seem to be a fitting tribute to Jim Henson’s legacy, and it seems his studio agrees, as production has currently halted.

Barbarella

We’ve been hearing rumors about this one for years now.  The grooviest space babe movie of them all,Barbarella  (based off a french comic), was infamously set up as a vehicle for Director Rodriguez’s then girlfriend – Rose McGowan.  Fortunately, that relationship ended before the ill-fated redux could take off.  We’ve seen recasting rumors online, but thankfully there has been no official news since 2010.  There are more whispersabout a Barbarella TV series as well, but no one watches TV anymore, right?

Nice Robot

Ghost in the Shell

I’ll admit it, I watch a little anime.  I try to keep to the classics though, for example:  Masumune Shirow’s mid 90′s cyberpunk creation Ghost in the Shell.  In addition to basically creating a new genre, it is also listed as one of the largest influences behind the Matrix films (for good or bad).  Despite this, a remake would inevitably shun the very elaborate cyber-police plots in favor of simpler story and more focus on how pretty the Major can be in a fight scene.  I would like to remind any potential Ghost in the Shell film producers what happens when Americans attempt to adapt anime for Hollywood.  You get this.

Teenage (No longer Mutant)  Ninja Turtles

The internet had been collectively groaning over this one for months, but thankfully, we can all share a gigantic group hi-five.  The Michael Bay produced monster that would be Ninja Turtles has been officially put back on theshelf.  Could the fan furor over the removal of the central plot device of the turtles being mutants contributed to the project’s demise? (Ninja turtles, from a planet of turtle people?!  Like Howard the Duck?!)  We may never know, but I will be content, as long as it keeps the turtles off the big screen and safe on our DVD shelves.  Current outlook: not good.

Dune

As one of the first Science Fiction books to cross my path during my formative years, Dune is a bit of a passionate subject for me.  I could probably fill a separate book with reasons why this adaptation should not be attempted (again), and if it must be done, how best to go about it.  Regardless, the short answer is no.  There is just too much necessary plot to fit into one movie, and the Syfy mini series treatment was disrespectful at best.  While David Lynch’s somewhat hokey attempt is oft ridiculed, I do recommend watching it, if only for the stunning visuals.

Do you like reading all these personal complaints?  Or maybe I should do a post next week on movies I am looking forward to?!

 

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